Things to Include in a Marriage Contract

After I had been married for many a year, I discovered in talking with some young engaged people that they had put together a sort of contract for their marriage. I was curious about what would be in such a contract, and when I asked them, I found out they were designating who would be responsible for different household chores, how they will designate the money spent, and other assorted things to keep problems from developing later. As I listen to them planning out their lives together in minute detail, I look at them and ask, “Okay, but who squashes the bugs?” Inevitably, I discover they’re not as prepared as they think.

Because I got married in the heat and youth of love, this sort of planning didn’t enter my mind. I was busy oohing and aahing over the idea of living in my newly acquired fairyland two-bedroom palace with my new husband. It was only later that I realized how beneficial some of this planning could have saved us a lot of grief. So to help those of you making plans to spend your lives with your beloved, I offer the following suggestions.

Marriage Contract Addition No. 1

Bugs and I have an ongoing battle, and they enter the Byrd Nest at their own risk. And if you think I’m apologizing to any animal rights groups because I kill them all on sight, you’re highly confused. I want the bugs dead, but I got married thinking it’s the man’s job to kill the suckers. After all, isn’t the man supposedly the hunter? When confronted in the abode with anything over four legs, it will be the man’s responsibility to come running.

Marriage Contract Addition No. 2

One person should be in charge of light bulbs in ceiling fixtures. It’s always been my opinion that the taller of two people should be the one to climb up there and switch the bulbs. In our house, we have bumped into each other too often in the dark simply because the bulbs have blown in more than one room, and both of us are too lazy or too obstinate to fix the problem. Our solution is to turn on a light in the adjacent room, and this works fine until that bulb goes out there. Also, a clause should be inserted here that if a person is going to be up there anyway, they are responsible for cleaning the fixture.

Marriage Contract Addition No. 3

The last person consuming a container of any refrigerated drink is responsible for the pitcher or empty bottle. Empty shall be defined as less than a half of a cup of liquid. Nothing is more irritating than going into the refrigerator for a cold drink and discovering the meager amount left by somebody who simply wanted to avoid the words “but it wasn’t empty.”

Marriage Contract Addition No. 4

Whoever empties shampoo bottles in the shower are responsible for disposing of said bottles. And minor pieces left out of a bar of soap fall under the same category. If you use any of these to the point where it’s like performing surgery to remove the remaining content from the soap holder, then toss it into the waste basket, which is usually sitting directly beside the shower curtain. Emptying said basket, obviously, falls under the category of trash management, which will be another problem altogether.

Marriage Contract Addition No. 5

Leaving two small blocks of toilet paper and that remnant of paper towel stuck to the paper roll does not mean you didn’t use the last of it. Contrary to popular belief in this household, that paper does not multiply by itself if left unattended. No excuses will be accepted about inability to find replenishing supplies, since they’re pretty much kept in the same place year after year.

Although I only chose to list five, there are a multitude of others which probably should be considered by the signees. Such things as placing DVD’s back into their holders upon removing them from the machine, placing dirty dishes on the counter next to the sink instead of in the sink, placing dirty clothes in hamper instead of at the site of disrobement, and wet towels on the bathroom floor could also be included but why completely take all the fun out of the first few years. After a few months of day-to-day, conversation may dry up and need a little sparking.

Guide to Stress-Free Dating

Dating can be crazy to say the least. Whether you’re new to the game, just getting your feet wet or consider yourself a vet, these six simple guidelines will help you navigate the uncertain terrain of dating today.

1. Be Yourself and Have an Open Mind. Be the best version of yourself on the date. Look your best. Show up on time, check your breath and smile. Dating is a series of casual interviews. You’re trying to get to know each other to see if there’s a match. You don’t have to marry the guy so relax, chat a little and see if you’d like to get know him better.

2. Have a Plan B. Whether it’s a fake emergency to leave the date, he cancels, or doesn’t show at all- you have to have a Plan B. A girlfriend on standby so if things don’t work out the two of you can always go to dinner and drinks far, far away from the bad date.

3. Just Ask. Certain information people don’t automatically volunteer, so you have to ask? Questions like, Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have kids? Yes, these are all very direct questions maybe even a little aggressive but too many times we make assumptions about what we think we know. You don’t have to drill him on the first date, but somewhere between 1-3 dates you should know the answers.

4. Mad Money. Because it just can’t be said enough and has saved me many times. This is emergency cash, about $25 bucks, you tuck away in case the date goes sour. If you need to take a cab then you’ve got money to depart immediately. Program a local cab number into your phone, it can really come in handy.

5. Can’t Take It Personally. If a man tells you he’s married and he and his wife have a girlfriend that they share- he’s just fishing to see if that scenario works for you. If a guy offers to “hook you up” with a baby if you want because you’re not getting any younger and besides he takes care of his kids-all three of them- he’s just putting it out there to see if you’ll bite. The cheesy lines, the saunter and grossly inappropriate come-ons have impressed or wooed someone before- just not you. So don’t be offended, it’s not personal, remember it’s only a date and keep it moving.

6. Be Gracious. That said, there’s no excuse for being mean-spirited or rude if there’s no connection. If after the date you realize you just don’t click, there’s a way to be direct and polite both at the same time. Say something like, “So it was really nice meeting you and I’ve been thinking. I don’t really think we’re a match. I wish you the very best and good luck.” See? Brief, polite, direct and it works just as well if you text or email.

Ways to Deal With a Moody Boyfriend

When you met him he was full of laughter and jokes. He was incredible fun and made you the center of his world. Now that you’ve been together a while, you’ve noticed that he’s a lot moodier than you imagined. Is something wrong with him? Are you headed towards a break up? What’s he thinking? These are all questions that are running through your mind. And you’re probably tempted to ask him each and every time he gets a little quiet. But before you do, you might want to consider a few reasonable tactics.

Take the time to learn his “cycle.”

Some men need a certain amount of time to decompress after work. Some men aren’t “morning people.” Others become cranky when they’re tired. If you spend enough time around your boyfriend or lover, you will probably be able to pick up on the times of day when he is least talkative or friendly. People have different ways of responding to the world around them. If your beau isn’t as bubbly and exciting as he was when you first met, it might mean that he’s simply becoming more comfortable around you-which is often a good thing. Take note of his routines, and you might find that his moods (and yours) are easier to deal with.

Designate some “me” space.

Whenever you sense that he’d like to be alone, grant him his wish. Everyone needs his or her own space. It would help if you have a space in your home (even if just a “nook”) to which you can retreat and read or listen to music. Don’t look at it as a “time out” area; rather, you’re showing your beau that individual space is just as important to you as it may be to him. He’ll respect that you’re giving him room to breathe, and will most likely reciprocate when you’re in a snit.

Take advantage of his good moods.

You can actually encourage more of his “good” side, if you simply take care in recognizing it. You don’t need to lavish tons of praise merely because he’s in a happy mood. But if he sees that things go considerably smoother in your relationship when he’s in amicable spirits, he may subconsciously change his mental state in the future. Try to please some of his desires or fantasies that you could go for. It could trying something new in the bedroom, doing things the way he likes them. Get some new intimate toys or try phone sex or encourage him to go for a free chat line or webcam chat to experience something new. It doesn’t mean that he’d go for it but he’d feel that you try to please him and he’ll feel good about it.

Talk to him.

Pestering him with a barrage of “What’s wrong” questions probably won’t get you very far. Plus, you’ll probably end up alienating him altogether-causing him to shut down even more. A “moody” person doesn’t necessarily have anything heavy on his mind. Sometimes the person just wants to be alone with his thoughts. During the process, his demeanor may seem a bit melancholy. Nonetheless, a simple: “Do you feel like talking” sounds a lot less threatening than a direct inquiry. You might be surprised that he comes around sooner, rather than later.

Should You Give Him Your Number?

To date someone in the technology world today is way different than let’s say 10 years ago. Now everyone can contact you just by goggling you on the internet. Let’s step back 10 years ago and look at the ways of giving your number to the man in the year 2000.
In the year 2010, we had cell phones, email, and pagers, and a lot of people had land lines, many of us didn’t have the vast amount of email addresses that we have today. Being a woman back then was complicated even though you had more options than your parents.

One option you had was to give the guy your home phone number, which meant that if you guys didn’t click or have a long relationship, you were risking him calling you all times of the day. This is one option a lot of women didn’t do, they used girl friends numbers, fake carpet numbers, even gave guys the number to their mother. The last one was bold but it let the guy know that the relationship was not going to be.

Another, option women had back then was to give the guy an email address to contact them. But, how many women wanted to be spammed by a potential nutcase. Could you imaging the relationship not working out and he post all your information on a chat line and blast emails about you? The internet option was not a good one to incorporate in your dating life but sometimes it was safer than giving the guy your number.

A pager was another option but that technology soon faded out, so all those ex’s that had your pager number are goggling you right now trying to find you. So if you get a strange call in 2010 from Jonny saying you guys dated back in the day, tell him you have a non curable disease and you would love to get his number so you guys can go out. Expect for him to give you a carpet number or just tell you he will call you back.

In 2010 you have varies options to implement that will keep you and your private life save. First, don’t give the guy your number unless your parents live on the same street. This man will never want to have his mom in his business so he will never over use your number if things didn’t work out.

Second, use a catch all email address if you feel hesitant about the man you meet, only bad part about this is if you wind up liking this guy his emails might get erased with the junk mail and you may loose contact with him.

The third and final option is to just tell him the old in the club way don’t call me I will call you and get his number instead. He may be puzzled by this one but at least you are being honest and that’s what most men want. Don’t lead us on but if you do remember, two can play the game.

How to Have Sex with Girls like Natalie Gulbis

Did you know that Natalie Gulbis actually hired a PR firm to draw attention away from her sexy image? To sex a girl like Natalie Gulbis, there’s more than meets the eye. Girls like that want to be known for their attributes other than their bodies — like their skills, intelligence, or work habits. To sex a chick like Natalie Gulbis, you’ll need a little different strategy.

1. TALK DIFFERENTLY. Have something to say when initially approaching other than, “You’re hot. Uh huh huh. (Drool).” Girls like Natalie Gulbis are successful for a reason, and that’s dedication to their craft. All that stretching that photographers can’t seem to get enough of is actually essential to the mechanics of the golf swing. This is what you can lead with in a conversation rather than staring at her breasts. Who knows? It might lead to a *gasp* INTERESTING conversation.

2. PLAY UP COMMON INTERESTS. Girls like Natalie Gulbis, who are extremely competent in some area (for Natalie it’s golf, for someone else it might be business, or PR), want men who are extremely competent in their area of expertise. You’ve got to be a winner at something, so whatever you’re good at, that’s where you want to take a gal like Natalie to show off on a first date. Girls who impress all day like to be impressed every once in a while.

3. PLAY IT COOL. Sexy, important gals like Natalie Gulbis are drooled over all day by creepy fans and business types who want a piece of the pie (the money pie, you pervert). Lay back and be cool. If you don’t, you risk looking like a fan or a hanger-on looking to capitalize, and that’s absolutely a romantic turnoff. Let a romance with a girl like Natalie Gulbis build slowly and surely, because no matter how successful the person, everyone is looking for a little security and personal attention.

Living Together Before Marriage

After a debate with one of my good friends on whether living with somebody or marrying them is better, I believe I have come up with a fairly good answer to this for her.

Yes, a lot of people see living together without being married as a sin, but what happens when you don’t live together and only wind up getting married as you feel you know the other person so well and then you understand this person has odd habits or strange behaviors when you are with them twenty four hours a day seven days a week and the union ends up in a divorce? I’d think that a divorce could be a worse sin than living together.

I was married for a lengthy time to somebody that had been an alcoholic while we were still dating and after we had been married the drinking problem only got worse.

Now I’m living with someone and have found small things I don’t like about this individual and makes me not so sure that I would ever want to marry them or stay together in the long run.

One comment my friend made was “why should he buy the cow if the milk is free?” I started to laugh and said, “Well, the farmer still needs to purchase the cow but the cow is more joyful in the pasture than she’s in the barn or stuck in the bull pen with the bull.”

I think some of the best advice I could give would be to go ahead and move in together before getting married. If you both see that you can live with each other after a year, then you’ll probably have better odds of not getting a divorce. There are some things that you just can’t hide when you’re dating someone and you both go home to different places each night.

Dating them, you would only hear the facts after the event and the individual has calmed down.
If one of those people has a drinking problem it would soon be discovered. It is easy for someone to drop you off for the night and go buy a bottle to drink or hide in their own home where it wouldn’t be easily discovered by you. It is harder to hide the jar or the breath that they have from drinking when you live together.

You’d be able to find out all the little things you don’t like and maybe some qualities you did not realize they had that you do like.
So, for everyone that says living together is not recommended or that it’s a sin, I think maybe you should re-think your answer and stop using the old superhero narrative because the maybe, just maybe, the bunny is happier in the pasture.